Down Deep

I have had a really rough couple of weeks, well maybe months. I have had this disease for over eleven years and it's only getting harder to deal with. Sometimes I feel so utterly alone in this fight that is becomes unbearable. Carrying the weight of this disease which consumes me 24/7 is exhausting, and when something little sets me off and someone tells me I am too sensitive I want to lose my shit. I usually have a pattern of six months semi normal then an attack then a bought of depression, then I adjust to what ever new permanent symptom and move on, all the while fearing what is coming next. Well this last attack I was depressed for about three weeks prior to the actual onset of the attack........ did I somehow know it was coming? The worst part of all of this is that my family who has known of my disease just as long as me hasn't adjusted or adapted with me at all. They say they understand but how can they? It hurts me the worst that I have to explain my feelings over and over it's endless and exhausting. I have to be in pain and in fear everyday and now you want me to explain how I need you. No one can take this disease from me or fight against it for me but I feel like as I take my shaky steps into my uncertain future I should at least have some hands to hold. But here I am alone and in pain and fearful of what tomorrow holds.